by Kimberly Lee, author of “Building a coaching culture: the ripple effect»
I saw two talented people lose their careers for the same cause. No bad performances. It’s not a bad attitude. Not bad skills. Their manager was conflict averse and just couldn’t bring himself to provide constructive feedback, and neither of them ever saw what was coming.
The first one started the same day as me. We built our teams side by side, grew together and were part of a strong, cohesive unit. When new leaders came in and changed priorities, performance issues emerged, not regarding his abilities, but rather where he was focusing his energy. Nobody told him. No feedback, no course correction, no opportunity to adjust. His role was changed in ways he never imagined would come, and he ultimately left the organization. I had a conversation with him after everything fell apart. He was blinded. He had no idea there was a problem. It didn’t have to be this way. What I find most telling is what followed: he landed well, built something new, and ultimately recruited me to join him in his next venture. The respect between us never wavered, because I was always honest with him, even when his own manager wasn’t.
The second was someone I hired and watched grow from a direct report to a team leader. He loved his job and did it really well. In the beginning, we were told to create the MVP and refine it later – speed over perfection. It worked that way because that’s what the culture demanded. When expectations changed, no one told him. He was moved to a role that never suited him, and the impact on him was real, not only professionally, but also psychologically.
When a position became available on my team, I reached out. He agreed to come back, but only if he reported directly to me. He told me that he always knew that my feedback came from a genuine desire to see him grow and that I knew how to talk to him. He came back, did a great job and when I finally left, he followed me to my next company.
Two people. Same manager. Same ingredient missing. The difference between the man whose career was derailed without warning and the man who followed me to my next job was not talent, nor effort, nor aptitude. This was feedback – consistent, honest and delivered from a real investment.
Misaligned management
Quiet abandonment is blamed on lazy employees or entitled generations. After more than two decades as head of HR, I’m here to tell you: That’s almost never the real story. People don’t disengage from their work. They disengage from their managers. And the managers most responsible for this disengagement are often not the harshest: they are the ones who say nothing at all.
Here are five coaching behaviors that change that:
1. Give your opinion before a crisis becomes
The most damaging comments aren’t the harsh comments. These are accepted comments. When managers avoid difficult conversations because they feel uncomfortable, because they don’t want conflict, because they hope the problem will resolve itself, they deprive their employees of the only thing that could really help them: information. People can’t fix a problem they don’t know exists. I start from the conviction that people really want to do well, but they don’t always know where they are missing the mark. As leaders, our job is to make sure our teams have everything they need to succeed. This includes feedback, whether positive, developmental, or both. If you sincerely believe in someone’s potential, you tell them the truth.
2. Listen to understand, not to respond.
Most managers listen long enough to formulate their next point. Coaching requires something more difficult: listening to truly understand what is happening to the person in front of you. When we listen this way, we pick up on subtle cues – the hesitation, the change in tone, what they almost said – and can ask more meaningful questions. It also builds confidence. And here’s what managers often miss: listening isn’t just good for your employee. You walk away with your own actionable insights, what’s holding someone back, what they need, where the team dynamic is fraying before it becomes a problem. Ask more questions. Talk less. The answers will tell you everything.
3. Make psychological safety a reality, not a poster on the wall.
Psychological safety is one of the most overused phrases in leadership and one of the least understood in practice. This doesn’t mean everyone feels good all the time. This means people believe they can raise a concern, admit a mistake, or try something new without being held accountable.
None of us have it all figured out – especially now. In the age of AI and rapid change, managers who encourage people to try new things and adopt “fail fast” thinking are the true creators of creativity. If your employees are afraid to try because they fear being diminished, they will do exactly what is asked of them and never question what is possible.
I know this first hand. Just after ChatGPT became publicly available in 2023, I was invited to participate in a company initiative to explore the integration of AI across departments. I pitched the idea of a bot to help employees get answers to standard HR questions we constantly ask. My boss laughed, and then, not in a private conversation, but in a team meeting, he told me that this wasn’t a project we were pursuing and that he didn’t see the point in it.
I still think it was a good idea. I actually went ahead and built it and several others. The lesson was not that my idea was wrong, but that environments where ideas are ridiculed don’t just cause that idea to be lost. They lose the next ten. Teams with real psychological safety don’t just perform better. They stay. And they continue to implement their best ideas.
4. Learn about growth, not just production.
The standard 1:1 agenda is a progress report. 1:1 coaching is about connection. And I’m not talking about the generic “how was your weekend?” » an opening that employees see through. I mean be specific. Did they mention a trip, a big family event, or did their plan literally involve a nap? Remember this. Find out more about it.
I currently have an employee whose child is disabled, and it’s taking a toll on her. So, I ask about the new school. I ask her how she gets by. I shared some of my own experiences so she knows I understand. It’s not a distraction from work, it’s how you create safety where someone can be fully engaged in a conversation.
Once that foundation is laid, the rest follows. Ask them what they want to work on. Encourage them to explore and learn. Strategize with them, don’t just take the status update and end the meeting. Employees who feel that their growth matters to their manager do not resign quietly. They are the ones who stay late because they want to.
5. Empower people to take ownership of their work.
I’ve seen what happens when a manager requires approval of every communication before it goes out. On the surface, this looks like quality control. Beneath it communicates something corrosive: I don’t trust your judgment. And once people internalize this message, they stop exercising judgment. They do the minimum. They stop caring about the outcome because the outcome was never really theirs.
Empowerment is not a management style preference, it is a prerequisite for commitment. Give people real ownership, hold them accountable, and watch what happens.
A manager can change an entire team
Here’s what I know after observing this situation in dozens of organizations: Disengagement is not a workforce problem. It’s a leadership problem. And that’s a solvable question. When a manager starts to lead differently, to give honest feedback, to ask better questions, to create real safety, to invest in growth, the effect is not limited to their team. Their direct reports begin to treat their own people differently. The culture is changing. Not because of a company-wide initiative, but because one person decided to present themselves as a coach rather than a project manager. It’s the ripple. And it starts with your next conversation.
Think about someone on your team right now who has gone silent. Not checked – just calmer than before. When was the last time you gave them specific feedback? When was the last time you asked them what they really wanted from their career? When was the last time you made them feel like their growth was your problem too?
You don’t need a new program. You need this conversation. Have it this week.
Kimberly Lee, SPHR, is a human resources manager, leadership coach and founder of Lotic Systems and MyTalentAdvantage. She has spent more than two decades leading people transformation in global organizations. She is the author of “Building a coaching culture: the ripple effect” (Business Expert Press, 2026) and creator of RippleIQ, an AI-powered coaching platform for executives. To learn more, visit loticsystems.com And montalentadvantage.com.
